Web's Wonders

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER..

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP......

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP....

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

............

...........

..........

The coffin stops

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' she asked..

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Yesterday I was at my local Co-op buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had? An elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

It has been so cold here that one of our farms has had a real problem. The farmer's son came running back into the house to say that all the cows were frozen stiff. The farmer had to call the vet.

When the vet arrived he was flummoxed and did not know what to do. Just then a little old lady drove up and asked what was the problem.

When she was told she simply smiled and went over to the first cow and gently rubbed its head. It started to move its head. Then she rubbed its back and it shivered into life, then its legs and it started to move around.

She proceeded to do this to each of the farm's 30 cows. The vet and the farmer were amazed.

Afterwards she drove away and the vet asked the farmer who she was . The farmer didn't know. Do you?

If you do not know, but would like to have the lady's name, please click here.

A teacher of Spanish was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its decision.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your pay on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: '"God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river.
"
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.